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Dear Ben Franklin: My In-Laws Extended Thanksgiving

Ben Franklin, printer and almanac writer, advises on guests who stay past the plan.
Ancient Wisdom, Modern Problem

My In-Laws Extended Thanksgiving To Day Five

Dear Ben Franklin,

My in-laws arrived the Tuesday before Thanksgiving for a planned three-night visit. It is now Sunday. My father-in-law has alphabetized my spice rack, and my mother-in-law has started calling the guest room her room. Nobody has mentioned a departure date, and my husband just says they are enjoying themselves. I love them, truly, but I have counted the bath towels twice. How do I bring up the calendar without ruining the holiday?

— Overstayed in Omaha

Ben Franklin Replies

Benjamin Franklin, American printer, writer, scientist, and statesman (1706 to 1790)

Dear Overstayed in Omaha,

My dear Overstayed in Omaha, I have been a guest and I have been a host, and I assure you the guest enjoys it more. Two days past the plan is no catastrophe, but it is not nothing. Before you hide the towels, let me share the oldest trick in my almanac: the trouble is not the people. It is the missing date.

I put it plainly in Poor Richard's Almanack for 1736: "Fish and visitors stink in 3 days." I was joking, mostly. Notice I said visitors, not people you love. The trouble is not that affection runs out. A visit with no end turns into a lodging, and everyone, even your mother-in-law, quietly stops feeling like a guest. Vagueness is a cost, and you are paying it in towels.

So supply the date, kindly. Thrift applies to hospitality: a thing with a clear edge is enjoyed more. Tonight, over pie, say warmly that you have loved having them and ask what day they plan to head home, so you can cook one last grand dinner. Make it a question about their plans, not a verdict. Nobody was ever insulted by an invitation to a farewell supper.

This week, settle it with your husband first. Ten private minutes, so you ask as a team. Then name the Saturday supper and put it on the calendar. As for the spice rack, leave it be for now; you may find alphabetical suits you. A guest sent off well returns gladly, and that is the only kind worth having.

— Ben Franklin

In Ben Franklin's Own Words

“Fish and visitors stink in 3 days.”

— Ben Franklin, Poor Richard's Almanack, 1736

Poor Richard's Almanack was Franklin's yearly collection of calendars, weather guesses, and short sayings, published under the name Richard Saunders. This line is a wry proverb about hospitality: even welcome company wears thin when it lingers past a sensible limit. It still fits any holiday week where nobody has said out loud when the visit ends.

Who Was Ben Franklin?

Benjamin Franklin was born in Boston in 1706, the tenth son of a candle and soap maker. He became a printer, ran his own shop in Philadelphia, and published Poor Richard's Almanack for about 25 years. He also experimented with electricity, invented bifocals and the lightning rod, helped found a library and a university, and served as a diplomat in France. He wrote his Autobiography late in life. People still read him for his practical, good-humored advice about thrift, work, and getting along with others.

Try This Today

Next time you invite anyone to stay, whether family or friends, name both the arrival day and the departure day in the invitation itself. Say it warmly: we would love to have you Tuesday through Friday. Then put the departure on a shared calendar. A clear end date costs nothing and often makes the visit better.

Your Turn

When a visit or commitment has no clear end, what small, kind sentence could you say early to give it a comfortable edge?

LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS
BOUNDARIES
HOSPITALITY

Letters are composites written by the Lifted Words editors. Replies are written in the spirit of each thinker; the quote in the blue box is their own.

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